Be True

My new year resolution is to be myself. That's the best way I know how to become closer to God. That's the ultimate goal, after all. Everything else is just details, icing on the cake, roadside attractions, what have you. What a journey this life is! How happy I am to be on this journey of discovery! Despite all the conflict, the uncertainty, the fear and stress and anxiety...there is joy, laughter, peace and love.

Who's There?

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." ~ Matthew 7:7

(Although I don't necessarily believe in literal interpretations of the Bible, there is a great wealth of wisdom therein. The above concept could well have come from any number of sources, both ancient and modern.)
Although we come to this world perfect and whole, we immediately develop needs and wants. Any person could easily name dozens of their own needs and wants. Often, the needs and wants become tangled up and twisted into knots. How do we separate what we want from what we need? Beyond the basic survival needs, what else is truly required?
The measure of a person comes from how they define this for themselves. It also comes from how they pursue their needs and wants.
Do you ask? Do you seek? Do you knock on the door? Or do you cringe, hold back your love, or complain, because what you need or want is not in front of you?

For the Love of God

There are almost seven billion people on Earth. Each one is a child of God, no matter who or what they are, what they believe, what they do or don't do. We all come from that which created us. No matter how far we travel from that source, we all came from the same place.
Taking a moment to reflect on that, I think of the only thing that God asks of us: love. The only thing we have to do is love God. How do we do that? Simply by loving that which God created: our essential selves. To love one another is simple. It is not easy, especially when we are called to love some very problematic people. It is not easy, especially when we are called to love ourselves no matter what. But that is all we have to do.
Simple, but not easy.
If we persevere through the difficulty of this simple task, we have made the world better. If we all do this, the world will be a lot better.
Have no fear, for you are not alone. God shows us how to love unconditionally every day.

The Past is Over

I've read somewhere that the act of remembering something alters the memory itself. So, over time, what we recall of our past, inevitably, changes.
We tend to believe that we cannot change the past. That is essentially true in a physical sense, since we live in a linear world. What we can change, however, is our view of the past. Let's say, for example, we did something in the past which we regret. Today we live with the consequences of our past action. If we choose to atone for the past action, we alter our view of it. We amend the past by making amends!
The way we view the past from our present standpoint, then, makes all the difference. If we only focus on regret or guilt, we do not alter the memory for the better; we only validate it as a negative experience. If we amend our view of the past, we take a step towards mending our present self. This doesn't mean glossing over past wrongs. It means acceptance and love of all life experiences, for they are all rich with learning opportunities. Who couldn't say they have learned more from their failures than from their successes?

Let there be Light

We are beings of Light. I know this because when I look into another person's eyes, I see Light there. This is true even if the person is unhappy, ill or otherwise not in a "good" mood. The Light must shine, no matter what. Of course, there are plenty of times when the Light is so dim or clouded or in some way covered, that it seems nearly impossible to see. No worries, the Light is still there.
When this happens, I can help by sending some Light in the direction of that person. It does not need to be obvious, or even accompanied by any physical sign that this is taking place. This is purely a mental exercise. Sending Light to one who needs it is perhaps one of the easiest ways to give to another.
Now, here is the most important part: as soon as I send this person some Light, I immediately send this same Light to myself. This is key. I must acknowledge and receive that which I give freely to another. Light is infinite, after all. This giving and receiving can happen in an instant, and change the entire dynamic of your encounter.

Thought for Today

Most of the things we worry about don't even happen.

Home is Best

At week's end, the doorbell rang. It was my son, returned home from Outward Bound. He does seem changed somehow. We shall see if it lasts. He even brought his sister a present of candy! And he let us hug him! He came up to me, and told me he'd like to plan some family outings with his sister. I acted calm, and said "sure!" Time will tell, time will tell...for now, I am just happy he is home.

The Sound of Silence

Having experienced a bout of laryngitis this past week, I have had on my mind the sound of silence. Oxymoronic as it is, the phrase also speaks loudly of paradox. How can sound be silent? How does silence have any sound?
With so much change swirling around my life (yet once again, or still, whatever), I do find myself longing for silence. That does not only mean silence from the outer world. It also means silence inside of myself. I am not always handling the change well. I am being loud, when it would be better to be quiet. I am being quiet, when it would be better to speak out. I haven't really resolved this. I am simply recording my present state of mind. In that sense, this is more truly a diary entry than a blog post. SO be it. I am not in the mood to care what anyone else thinks about what I have to say. I don't mean that in any belligerent sense. I am tired of justifying my emotions, to myself or to others. I don't want to explain anything. I don't want to hear anything. I crave silence. In silence, I could think. In silence I could figure out what to do next. Or could I?

Climb Every Mountain

Safety Net

There is a line in A Course in Miracles that says, "In my defenselessness, my safety lies."
This has always been a tough one to accept. How can you be safe if you do not defend yourself when necessary? Certainly that is not the predominant world view. I admit, I ponder this statement quite a bit. I even evoke it in order to banish fear. Amazingly, the very act of saying this seemingly paradoxical sentence is sometimes enough to evoke a feeling of calm and peace!
What is safety anyway? When we are safe, we tend to take it for granted. When our safety is threatened (and let's face it, mostly it's about physical safety), we know it! It is a very real feeling, and the feeling is - you guessed it - FEAR.
So, then it all comes back to the basic tenet of ACIM (doesn't it always?) - which is that there are really only two emotions, Love and Fear. Whatever is not Love, is Fear. Leaving aside your objections to this reductivism, if I, in a time of unsafeness (real or perceived), choose to invoke LOVE, what happens? Well, Love in its pure form must be defenseless. We cannot truly love when there are any kind of barriers. Therefore, we love and we are safe. In our defenselessness, our safety lies.
How's that for being vigilant, World?

Peace Be With You

There are times in life when Peace seems to elude us. It's all an illusion! Peace is still there, but just as we may turn away from God, we turn away from Peace. One could even say Peace and God are the same. In any case, Faith comes into play. Faith is the bridge we use to return to Peace. We don't have to wonder whether Faith will bring us back to Peace, or to God. It just does. We only need to take the step on to the bridge. Faith does the rest.

God is Great because....

I SAID so! Hahahahahahahaha!

God is Great because....

God hangs in there with you even through the tough times. Tough times here are defined as "when you turn your back on God". Even when you get caught up in the "drama" of your life, forgetting all the wisdom that lies in putting your faith in God, God waits for you to return.

God is Great because....

God plants joy for you everywhere. Joy can be found in the most unexpected places and at the most inopportune times. It is possible to find joy just about anywhere. God put it there as a gift for you. When you find joy, en-joy it! (And remember to pass it on...joy is a gift that keeps on giving....)

God is Great because....

God lets you "do your own thing." God allows you to exercise your free will in any situation (generally speaking).

I am beginning to read a wonderful book called "Transforming Fate into Destiny" by Robert Ohotto.
"You may have heard that Fate is the hand of cards that life deals you, and Destiny is how you play it. This means that through your soul’s agreement with Destiny, you must transform your Fate into something more life affirming, thus leaving this world a better place. Destiny is your capacity to live out the threads of your Fate in a unique way that only you can do, while having a positive vibrational impact on the world’s energy and soul.” – From the book

God is Great because....

God is always with you. God is the carry-on bag on the flight of your life. God can never not be with you. That is because, in a very real and not at all imaginary way, God IS you. The idea that your separation from God is an illusion is not a new one. But when you stop and think about it, you realize how fundamentally true it is. The separation is an illusion simply because it is an idea in our minds. But just as the cell has a consciousness, God is a consciousness. The cell and God consciousness are one. We are made of cells. Therefore, we are made of God. True, it can sound tautological (defining something in terms of itself)to speak of ourselves this way. But if God is merely the great I AM, then there need not be any more clarity than that. I am, therefore I am. It's simple, really. (But not easy for us to understand.)

God is Great because....

God is an unending source of love. When we feel our own wells go dry, and, let's face it, that happens with astonishing regularity, God is the source - for sustenance, renewal, nourishment. We don't need to deserve this, any more than we need to deserve food and water and the basics for survival. Simply by virtue of being alive, we are eligible to receive the love. The ONLY thing WE have to do? Step out of our own way (in our minds and in our hearts), and LET the LOVE in. That is all.

God is Great because....

...God always puts you in the exact place for your optimal learning. It is up to you whether to take the opportunity that is placed before you. This is an ongoing process. Missing an opportunity for growth does not disqualify you from the next opportunity. God is good that way. You will be provided with multiple chances to "get it."

No turning back now

A birthday seems like a good time to reflect on the prior year, and anticipate the coming year. Although I've undergone many changes in the year gone by, most of them have been external: a transatlantic move being the most prominent. Of course, I had an idealistic hope that this move would be the catalyst for other changes. I would rather not enumerate them here, but suffice to say the changes are of a more internal nature. That means I start with the woman in the mirror. I spend a lot of time and energy taking care of my family. Let's face it: they are a high maintenance bunch, each in their own way.
But what about Meredith? The ways I take care of myself are generally, er, expedient in nature. I think the first change will be to do less of that. That sounds cryptic, and it is meant to be so. I am playing my cards close to the chest. I want to be mysterious. I need to stop making excuses and start making sense - to myself.
And that is my birthday reflection.

For our dear Eric

The Chambered Nautilus

Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809–1894)


THIS is the ship of pearl, which, poets feign,
Sails the unshadowed main,—
The venturous bark that flings
On the sweet summer wind its purpled wings
In gulfs enchanted, where the siren sings,
And coral reefs lie bare,
Where the cold sea-maids rise to sun their streaming hair.

Its webs of living gauze no more unfurl;
Wrecked is the ship of pearl!
And every chambered cell,
Where its dim dreaming life was wont to dwell,
As the frail tenant shaped his growing shell,
Before thee lies revealed,—
Its irised ceiling rent, its sunless crypt unsealed!

Year after year beheld the silent toil
That spread his lustrous coil;
Still, as the spiral grew,
He left the past year’s dwelling for the new,
Stole with soft step its shining archway through,
Built up its idle door,
Stretched in his last-found home, and knew the old no more.

Thanks for the heavenly message brought by thee,
Child of the wandering sea,
Cast from her lap, forlorn!
From thy dead lips a clearer note is born
Than ever Triton blew from wreathèd horn!
While on mine ear it rings,
Through the deep caves of thought I hear a voice that sings:—

Build thee more stately mansions, O my soul,
As the swift seasons roll!
Leave thy low-vaulted past!
Let each new temple, nobler than the last,
Shut thee from heaven with a dome more vast,
Till thou at length art free,
Leaving thine outgrown shell by life’s unresting sea!

Sonnet 116, one of my favorites

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved.



William Shakespeare

(1564 - 1616)

A country you can never visit

I've been thinking about the nature of regret. I think it's pretty clear that regret is most often about something that happened in the past. It could be something you did, or didn't do. It could be something someone else did or didn't do, that had an effect on you. It can be generalized or localized. But a key element of regret is its focus on the past.
Can we change the past? What effect does regret have on the past? Or, is regret really about the present, even though it seems to be focused on the past? Our feelings about the past are always happening now, after all.
We can never visit the past, not in a real sense. That is the nature of humanity. We live life in a linear fashion, ever moving forward. It is only our minds that visit the past. Our minds can do amazing things, using memory to relive, alter, glorify, condemn, excoriate, justify, exonerate...regret...
But it's all in our minds. We don't ever go back to the past in reality. What if we could? Would we be able to release regret if we could?
This weekend, I heard someone say, "The past is a country you can never visit." It was a timely reminder to bring myself to the present. Regret is a trick of the mind to try to visit the past. Staying in the present is a way of letting go of regret. It is a continual process, for some reason, because we, or at least I, tend to relive past moments.
What would it be like to never have any regrets? What would it be like to always live in the present? It's how I imagine heaven to be.....talk about a country you can never visit! :-)

I met Colin Firth!

We went to the Bedford Park Green Days Festival today, at Acton Green Common (10 minutes walk from our house). There were the usual craft booths, musical performances, food, games, and carnival rides.
DH and I were watching the kids on the bumper car rides, when I noticed Colin Firth standing ten feet away from me! He was waiting for his boy on another ride. He was just standing there by himself, just a regular fellow. He was so unassuming that at first I couldn't believe it was him!
Now, I knew when I moved here that he lives in this neighborhood. It was my most fervent wish that one day I would chance to see him around town. I imagined him, dashing and debonair, striding down the street, perhaps with a small entourage. And I would catch a quick glimpse of his wonderful self, but wouldn't dream of actually approaching him, or being able to for that matter!
So, here he was, just a dad out with his kid. He looked older and considerably less polished than his Hollywood persona, but the calm intensity in his manner was still there.
I looked his way a few times, but didn't want to stare, so I pretended to be looking at the ride. Then he walked away to another ride. I told DH that I had seen Colin Firth, and wasn't that wonderful? When the kids came off their ride, we walked down the path in the same direction.
Suddenly, there he was, and DH stopped, and said to him, "Excuse me, would you please say hello to my wife, and shake her hand?" Colin Firth was, in true British fashion, calm and expressionless. He stuck his hand out, said "Hello." And I took his hand, and it was...dry...and a bit cold and rough. Not what I expected! I managed to say "Nice to see you," and gave his hand a quick squeeze before turning away.
It happened so very quickly, and I was so amazed that DH did that for me! I would never have done it. But now I can die a happy woman because I have touched Colin Firth, one of my favorite actors.
I never thought of myself as star struck. But it was thrilling.
As we left the area, he was there, watching his boy on the bumper cars.

Glub, glub

I'm moving from the "fish out of water" phase, into the "sink or swim" phase. I knew this would be a big adjustment, but the reality is more....real....than the imagining of it.
There are physical, emotional, mental and spiritual challenges each and every day. And each one of these vies for my attention, often at the same time. And that's just me. Then there are the three others I live with.
It's enough to keep me busy, that's for sure. I wonder sometimes how I get as much done as I do. Yet it never seems like enough.
Most of all, it never seems like enough fun is in my life. That's a comment, not a complaint. I'm sure once I get the house settled and unpacked, and we have been here a while longer, that more fun will come. I hope. Until then: glub, glub.

You say pommes de terre, I say potato

Part of the process of assimilation into a new culture is comparing it to the culture you have just left behind. Differences and similarities abound, to be sure. The similarities tend to be comforting. But they are always closely followed by the disparities. For example, there are many, many American shows on our telly. There are quite a few American shows that I never even watched in the US! Be that as it may, when I am watching an American show, I tend to be lulled by the familiarity of it, in particular by the American accents and words. Suddenly, a commercial (er, advert) comes on, and blasts me back to reality. Generally, I can understand what is said, although not always. Again, the accents are clearly different. And, usually, the products are, too.
Maybe that discrepancy will always be apparent. Maybe in time, I won't even notice such things. After all, there are plenty of American accents in the adverts, and plenty of British actors on American shows.
It's like when I am walking down the street here. Just in my neighborhood, when I pass people who are conversing, easily half the time they are not speaking English of any kind! Most often, I hear French or German.
All of this reminds me, throughout the day, that I am in a foreign country. And I am guest here. I wonder when I will feel at home here? When I stop comparing?

Stuff and Nonsense

I'd spent the last several weeks, our first days in London, living with only what I'd packed into a suitcase. We have had little else but the bare household necessities that were rented for us via the relocation package. It's been one step above camping.
The air shipment, of about 12 cartons of our belongings, was supposed to have been delivered in 1 to 2 weeks of its leaving our home. The ash cloud, after delaying our own arrival, also delayed the shipment of our things. Three weeks after we left our US home, our boxes arrived on our doorstep.
I had been eagerly anticipating their delivery. I was not really sure, or maybe only sure in a general sense, of what was in the boxes. The craziness of those final days left my brain in such a bewildered state. I tried to stay focused and organized, tried to think ahead to what we might truly need and want after the first week or two. How did I think that I'd want 5 kitchen towels but no oven mitts? Or a six month's supply of toothpaste and Advil, but not a trash can? Or all the hanging clothes in my closet, but not one of daughter's stuffed animals?
Truthfully, I did spend a great deal of time in those expectant days before the boxes came, thinking about "stuff." I thought about its meaning and importance. I thought about its relative unimportance, actually, when compared with, say, our health or happiness. Do we really, truly need all this stuff, in order to be happy? I am telling myself that, no, we don't need any of it. But the truth remains, we want it. It was incredibly comforting to unpack my cooking utensils, the familiar old forks and knives,my yoga mat, the duster, my sneakers (sorry, trainers), even the toilet plunger! I obviously thought that was vital!!
I could live another long time without any of it. But in these days of newness, when everything is strange and unfamiliar, it is nice to see these little bits of home.
Now I can turn my attention to the next big event: the sea shipment. More STUFF. Remind me of this when I am wondering where I am going to put all of it.

Home Thoughts from Abroad

Home Thoughts from Abroad

Oh, to be in England
Now that April's there,
And whoever wakes in England
Sees, some morning, unaware,
That the lowest boughs and the brushwood sheaf
Round the elm-tree bole are in tiny leaf,
While the chaffinch sings on the orchard bough
In England - now!

And after April, when May follows,
And the whitethroat builds, and all the swallows!
Hark, where my blossomed pear-tree in the hedge
Leans to the field and scatters on the clover
Blossoms and dewdrops - at the bent spray's edge -
That's the wise thrush; he sings each song twice over,
Lest you should think he never could recapture
The first fine careless rapture!
And though the fields look rough with hoary dew
All will be gay when noontide wakes anew
The buttercups, the little children's dower
- Far brighter than this gaudy melon-flower!

~ Robert Browning

I thought this was a fitting title for my first post in my new home. Apparently, Browning was feeling nostalgic for his homeland when he wrote this. I think he lived in Italy after his wife died.
Now, here I am, on the last day of April, living in England. I'm sure I must have lived here in another life. Even though it is strange and different, it also feels familiar somehow. As I walk down the street, tiny pink and white petals are shaken from the trees by the breeze, and it looks like it is snowing flowers. Absolutely poetic. It feels like I am in a dream, but I am awake.

Olden days

One nice thing about aging is that you don't have to lose all the other ages you have been. Each new era or phase in your life brings its own challenges and rewards. You can always retain your younger selves, in the form of memories, experience, life lessons learned or yet to be learned.
The outer shell, your body, of course, will inevitably show the signs of wear and tear. Taking care of your body is essential. But accepting the aging of the shell is just as important. To deny that is to deny an authentic part of who you are at any given point in your life!

Peace be with me

I often tell myself that Peace is my goal. That implies that Peace is some "thing" that is outside myself, and to be obtained or attained in some way or manner. In other words, I must do something in order to find Peace.
That is exactly opposite from the truth. I need do nothing in order to know Peace. Well, the only thing I must do is to endeavor to quiet my mind. When that happens, I can see that Peace is already there. Peace is my constant companion, my one true friend. Peace never lets me down or abandons me. Peace has got my back, more than any other human could or would. Peace knows me.
Peace is in the quiet space between my cells. Peaces smiles at all the changes going on in my life. Peace is in the singing of my heart. Peace is, was, and always will be, with me.
May Peace be With You!

I'm taking a break from this blog

Will return soon....

Love

"For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation. That is why young people, who are beginners in everything, are not yet capable of love: it is something they must learn. With their whole being, with all their forces gathered around their solitary, anxious upward-beating hearts, they must learn to love. But learning time is always a long, secluded time, and therefore loving, for a long time ahead and far on into life, is solitude, a heightened and deepened aloneness for the person who loves. Loving does not at first mean merging, surrendering, and uniting with another person (for what would a union be of two people who are unclarified, unfinished, and still incoherent?). It is a high inducement for the individual to ripen, to become something in himself, to become world, to become world in himself for the sake of another person." ~ Rainer Maria Rilke
That loving is, in great measure, a solitary experience, goes against our desire for it to be a union of spirits. No doubt Love calls us to become both more human and more divine. Though we may hear its call, we too often rush to the comfort of the merging, instead of bravely facing that aspect that urges us to learn by, for and with Love in and of itself, and often by ourselves. When we meet others on our way, we can each respond to this higher calling, or we can respond to the wounded parts, in ourselves or in each other, that keep us from getting to the true harvest.

Pumpkin

"Pumpkin," who was a pumpkin, came to live with us in the autumn. This was the mid-1970's, and I am not sure which year...some of them kind of blend together in my memory. It must have been a lean year, because the house was cold enough that winter for Pumpkin to stay fresh and clean. We were amazed by how long Pumpkin stayed, well,pumpkin-like. We grew quite fond of Pumpkin the longer Pumpkin stayed. It was not until late the next spring that Pumpkin finally began to show signs of decay. We gave Pumpkin a decent send-off at Camp Columbia in Litchfield. We left Pumpkin beside the big tree there. I did keep the seeds of Pumpkin inside a wooden box. All these years, the box has been inside a storage container that I have lugged hither and yon. Once in a while, I have come upon the box, opened it and smiled. Today, I did just that once again. It was so good to see Pumpkin's remains, and delight in the good memory of Pumpkin.

Peace Prayer by Lama Gangchen Rinpoche

Peace to the inner and outer environments.

Peace to the five elements within and without.

Peace to this body.

Peace to this mind.

Peace to this huge ocean of emotions and feelings.

By the power of the truth and for the happiness of all beings,
may we have a culture of peace,
a society of peace, a world of peace,
where we can have days of peace,
nights of peace, sleep with peace and dreams of peace.

By the power of the truth and for the healing of all beings,
may we have peace in all moments
and in everything.